2015 Here I come

Two months to the day from my last post. I should be ashamed really. I start, I stop, I start, I stop...

I've taken a good look at what I've written along the way since I started this blog. If I had to say what I've done wrong it would be that I haven't really felt like doing it for me. I've done it with little eagerness, only tried half way, never been passionate about it. I've tried because of my sugar or because of my heart, which in reality should be good enough reasons, but when you don't value yourself like you should, it's hard. My posts have been mocking of myself and my ability to do this right down to the funny pictures I've posted.

New Year.... New attitude. Nothing but inspirational and honesty from here on out. My mom bought my sister and I a Fitbit for Christmas. I've got mine sorted and linked but haven't started logging food or exercise. Tomorrow is the day. I've joined the local fitness center and plan on setting my alarm for 7am. I'll head over, walk the treadmill and then swim. I'll be able to sit in the hot tub when I'm done which should help my joints, which will make it easier to move. I'll come home, make breakfast and start my day rather than sleeping til 10am because I feel like I have nothing to look forward to for the day.

Losing this weight will help in so many ways but most importantly, it's going to help me feel good. I want to see myself happy and enjoying life again rather than hiding at home and feeling sorry for myself. Making excuses for the fact I've failed.

I've stalked Pinterst for clean eating ideas, recipes and a small bit of yoga research. I've made my shopping list so everything will be here and ready. I'll take the time to have things prepared ahead of time so I'm not grabbing something unhealthy because it's easier.

My two biggest goals are to live healthy and the other to build on my jewelry business. Both goals will bring me an insane amount of happiness. There are a few other goals but they will come in time as I show myself I can accomplish these.

Starting at 286

Staying Busy to Avoid Eating

I could write a little about myself and how I stay busy to avoid eating everything I see 24/7. I don't work due to the pain associated with my Sarcoidosis and Psoriatic Arthritis. It is rare that I even discuss the pain with anyone as it would be a daily whine so it's one of those things I keep to myself. I also don't work as a result of my son's death 3 1/2 years ago. I have found that I no longer possess the patience for stupid people. I waitress'd for 15 years and really loved it. I loved the people and the atmosphere but now I wouldn't be able to let things roll off me like I did then. I'm an angrier person unfortunately.

Sooooooooo to keep myself busy and make a little money, I design jewelry and other things. I love Pinterest as many of you do. My main focus for craft fairs and Etsy are my European style bracelets and key chains. What do you ask are they? Basically they are Pandora type beads but aren't stamped with their name nor made by their company but look like them :) I also take gemstone pendants and wire wrap the bail and add a charm. I'm always on the look out at thrift stores for things I can upcycle. My two latest ventures have been to take old scrabble games and glue down sayings in the racks (after I spray painted them a cool blue color) and I've taken matching teacup and saucers to make beaded bird feeders. They will debut at my show tomorrow which promises to be a big one (fingers crossed). My find yesterday though made me giddy with excitement!!! I love finding games where the pieces can be used for fun ideas. I'm going to make key chains out of these Care Bear pieces from a checkers game. I've never seen it before!

They are too big for bracelet charms but will make nice key chains. One was missing but there are 23 still there and I got it for $1.00 !!! It's the little things that excite me. I doubt I'll get any of these done for tomorrow's show as I have a full day and still need to make a couple of specific things for tomorrow but that doesn't stop my giddiness. 

Nothing food related today. Today is just about me.

Eat... Emotions.... Eat

I've eaten everything today. Two bagels, dinner which was cheese stuffed bacon wrapped chicken and cheesy broccoli rice and then M & M's. The worst thing is... I don't care. Once I'm emotional that's it, I eat.

My mom is getting my sister and I a Fitbit for Christmas so that we can work together as a team. I've looked at them for awhile but they are sort of pricey. They do collect a lot of data and put it together for you and put it up against your friends on your list online. I'm pretty excited about it.

I know I'll bounce back tomorrow. It's all a learning process for me, learning better habits. I know I can do it. I just have to keep at it.

Battling With Myself

Wow! I never knew I could have such an argument with myself. Yesterday I had a craft fair and prepared by taking grapes and a salad for lunch. During the day I do so well, but night time is when the demons come. A voice in my head just nags at me to eat something even when I'm not hungry. I had to keep saying, "NO!" to myself. It is hard to battle with yourself to not eat. What makes you feel like you HAVE to eat?? I suppose it's conditioning over the years of doing just that.

I haven't had the chance to get a grocery list going and get meals planned out so I'm working with what I have. Still proud of myself for doing this well! Tonight we had beef ravioli and my heartburn is insane. I'm in agony and do not feel well for having eaten it. Maybe that's a good thing in the end.

Do Over ... Times 3

Once again, I find myself in a position to need to take a step back and think about my health. It's not good and it hasn't been for a long time. I'm pretty good at making up excuses as to why I don't need to worry about this or that aspect, but in reality, it's a necessity.

Today, I'm 288 pounds. The doctor's scales say so. My blood pressure was 159/107 and my A1C was 10.7, I'm fat shaming myself. I don't really see a need to hide it, you can look at me and see I'm fat. I know it, you know it, it's ok to say it.

Tonight I shall spend time looking at recipes on Pinterest because face it, who's not a Pinterest whore these days. I'm not sure that I'll specifically look for Weight Watchers or Gluten Free or Sugar Free really. I'll look for healthy choices leaning more towards Diabetic cooking.

Here I go again, starting fresh :)